A Day in the Life
by Superior Firepower
Summary: Quick snapshots of Dante and Vergil's daily life. Pure randomness. Rated for language and comedic effect.
1. Chapter 1

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

_Author Note: We were trying to plan out another fic when this little…thing…popped out. It started as a demonstration of Vergil and Dante's personality differences and evolved into what you will soon read (and invariably end up in a mental institution for, most likely). I'd say don't ask where this came from, but I know, so I won't._

"…you know, you're so cold and distant all the time, I bet you wouldn't even care if some fluffy little animal were killed right in front of—"

"SWERVE! SWERVE, DAMMIT!"

"WHAT THE--? A RABBIT?! YOU ALMOST KILLED US FOR A _RABBIT_?! WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU?!"

"…You have to ask? Aren't you supposed to be my twin?"

"I can't believe you said that…"

"…Why?"

"…Never mind. Forget it."

"No, I want to know. Why is what I said so odd?"

"It's just…you. You don't…never…argh, I said forget it!"

"Why should I?"

"Why shouldn't you?!"

"I want three good reasons."

"WHA-AAT? No! I refuse! This conversation is over, dammit!"

"It's not over until I say so."

"Like hell it is! Just because you're older doesn't mean—"

"SWERVE! SWERVE, DAMMIT!"

"WHAT THE--?! Dammit, Vergil! Are you _trying_ to get us killed?! First a rabbit, now a stray cat, what next?! A rat?! I swear, you're going to be the death of me someday!"

"I highly doubt that."

"Oh, really? Well, you just look here and—"

"WATCH THE ROAD, DANTE!! Are you _trying_ to get us killed?!"

"Oh, no you don't. Don't you go parroting my words back at me! I won't stand for this!"

"Good point. You'll sit, because even you can't drive standing up."

"…Vergil?"

"Yes, Dante?"

"…As soon as we get to the supermarket, I'm going to kill you."

Fin


	2. Chapter 2

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

"Dante?"

"Yeah, Vergil?"

"…I have some good news and some bad news."

"…Really?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, give me the bad news first."

"Well, I'm sorry to say—and it pains me to say this, you have no idea how sorry I feel about it and I honestly feel for you from the bottom of my heart for your loss—but…your cactus just died."

"…My what? I have a cactus? So, what's the good news?"

"Well…I'm pregnant!"

"WHA-AAT?!"

Fin


	3. Chapter 3

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

"Dante?"

"Yeah, Vergil?"

"…I have some good news and some bad news."

"…Really?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, give me the bad news first."

"While chopping the carrots for dinner tonight, I broke the knife we have and I didn't have time to go get a new one—you know how long it takes to find a quality knife—so I figured you wouldn't mind terribly if I just—"

"Get to the point, Vergil."

"Right. Anyway, I used your Rebellion. So now it's kinda orange and chipped—well, really chipped—"

"WHA-AAT?!"

"Wait, wait! The good news is, I saved 10 on our car insurance by switching to Geico!"

"Vergil?"

"Yes, Dante?"

"…I'm going to kill you."

"Yes, Dante."

Fin


	4. Chapter 4

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

"Dante! Phone!"

"Huh? Oh…Lady, how ya doing?"

"Mission? Got the password? …Well, okay. What's the mission?…Uh-huh…I see…gotcha…Vergil? Why does he—okay! Okay! Jeez, woman…right, I got it. That place, that time, bring Vergil. Right. Bye."

"Well? What did she want?"

"Mission thing. We gotta be here, at this time, tomorrow."

"We?"

"Yup. She said you have to be there. I don't know what for."

"Hmm…"

Next day:

"Well, this is it."

"You sure?"

"Yes, this is what it says on the paper."

"If you say so…"

"Let's go in and see what's up."

"Hello, we're here for the—"

"Oh! You must be Dante and Vergil! The doctor is expecting you!"

"…What?"

"Dante? Vergil? Oh, good, you're just on time. Please, come in."

"Ohh, no. No. No no no nonono. I am _so_ outta here…"

"I don't think so…"

"Vergil!"

"No. We're staying."

"Traitor! Meany-head! I hate you! Lemme go! I don't wanna go in there! You gotta help me hunt down that woman! She's crazy! I don't wanna be poked and prodded and tested and put in a straight jacket! Vergil!

"Stop complaining. Baby."

"Hey! That's no fair! I—haha—no, stop it—hahaha—lemme go!"

"Not my fault you're ticklish."

"But—hahaha—but—hahaha—I—waaaaaah!!"

Fin


	5. Chapter 5

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

"Vergil?"

"…yes?"

"What are these tapes?"

"Huh? I—NO! PUT THOSE DOWN!!"

"Why? Don't want me to listen to them?"

"Dante!! Give them back! Dante!!"

"Nope! I'm gonna pop them into the tape player and hit the play button."

"Wait! Stop! Don't—"

"You are a go-getter…You are strong…Everyone likes you and wants to be your friend…"

"…Motivational tapes?"

"I _told_ you to put them down…"

"You listen to—haha—_motivational tapes_?!"

"But did you listen? Noo-oo. Do you know what I'm going to have to do now?"

"_Motivational tapes_—hahahahaha…."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Eeep!"

Fin


	6. Chapter 6

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

:Enter Dante, sword flashing as he kills demons indiscriminately. This goes on for a moment, then suddenly, Dante pauses and looks directly at the viewer.:

"What's in your wallet?"

:Enter Vergil from stage left. He holds up a card to the screen with the words "Capital One" on it.:

"Capital One. Keep your money safe from guys like this one."

:Vergil jerks his thumb over his shoulder at Dante. Dante straightens up and glares at Vergil.:

"Hey! What do you mean by that?! You do the same stuff!"

:Vergil regards Dante for a moment, then shrugs, turning back to the viewers.:

"Keep your money safe from guys like us with Capital One."

:End commercial.:

Fin


	7. Chapter 7

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

"Hey Vergil?"

"Yes, Dante?"

"Ever wonder what our names mean?"

"…No. Why do you ask?"

"Umm…you might want to come look at this…"

"What is it?"

"It's a site with the meanings of various names. I looked ours up. Uh, here's yours…"

"'Vergil: rod or staff bearer.' What does yours mean?"

"Uh, here…"

"'Dante: lasting'…Dante?"

"Yes, Vergil?"

"What is it, Vergil?"

"…Never mind."

"…huh?"

Fin

P.S. Yes, you jumped to the same conclusion Vergil did…hentais…


	8. Chapter 8

A Day in the Life…

_Warnings: Comedic bashing of both Dante and Vergil, randomness, fluffy animals (not Sesshoumaru), OOCness, mild swearing, mild swerving (actually, it's pretty severe swerving…), cameo appearance of the Easter Bunny (in disguise), literal interpretation, ellipses, copy-catting, threats (both serious and non-serious), did I mention randomness?_

_Author's Note: This one was purely Haliaetus..._

-sniff-

"Dante?"

"Ye—why are you sniffing my hair?"

"Did you use my shampoo?"

"Uhh…I might have; I got in a little late last night and wasn't really paying attention…why do you ask?"

"I've told you repeatedly to stay away from my shampoo, Dante…."

"Ohhh, ri-ight…That's cuz you get the expensive as hell shampoo—which reminds me. Why the heck does your shampoo smell like strawberries?"

"..." (This is an _angry_ ellipsis, kids.)

"I should probably be running for my life about now, shouldn't I?"

"That might be a good idea, yes."

"I thought so…See ya!"

"Dante!! You are so dead when I catch you!"

Fin


End file.
